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July 27, 2002 message received by Commish Matson from the one and only "Mortimer Plumtree" himself (typo included):
Our response to Mortimer Plumtree:
THE FOOTBALL GOSPEL* ACCORDING TO
JON
*with apologies to Christians everywhere
1 In the beginning was the Plan, and the Plan was with God, and the Plan was God.
2 And it came to pass that God communicated the Plan to Jon, who called himself a Prophet.
3 God chose not a burning bush to speak to Jon. He feared that the son of Jon, Matthew, a follower of Firemen, would douse the bush before the message was seen. God chose not the vision of an angel to speak to Jon, for he feared Jon would believe that the angel was the messenger of Old Milwaukee or the reincarnation of St. Pauli Girl and not the representative of God.
4 Nay, God instead chose to reveal himself before Jon in a dream, while he slept.
5 In the dream, the Pharisees of Football appeared. In their darkened halls of cheap beer and greasy burgers, they worshipped the false gods of the wide screen TV. They bowed and prayed to Favre of Green Bay and Mitchell of the Lions.
6 Jon heeded them not, for he knew there was a greater Plan.
7 In his vision, the Pharisees gathered around a table to pick the greatest gods of football. However, as God revealed to him, they chose the players of baseball rather than the players of football.
8 Jon awoke and pondered these things in his heart.
BOOK 2
JON IS TESTED
1 As it came to pass, Jon told these things to those who would listen. He prophesied that the vision told him that he should cast out his net and become a fisher of men who would be judged not by their points and their passes, but by their character and their charisma.
2 As Jon sermonized from on high (well, the third floor) on Mount Quorum, he was cast out as a false prophet.
3 There were those who quoted the Book of Matthew to him:
4 "Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves.
5 "You will know them by their fruits… Every good tree bears good fruit; but the bad tree bears bad fruit.
6 "Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire."
7 And Jon questioned the things that he had heard. ("Huh?" he asked.)
8 Burkle, who called himself an expert in these matters, interpreted God’s word for him: "We’ll just see whether you’re a prophet, baby, when we see your final record. You, Mr. False Prophet, will be thrown into the fire: aka the Toilet Bowl for the second year in a row."
9 He counseled Jon and urged him to reconsider the Plan, and Jon reflected on his words.
BOOK 3
JON MAKES HIS CHOICE
1 Every night Jon dreamed of the Plan, and he became convinced that Burkle was the seed of Satan, if not the Devil himself, aimed to send him down an evil path.
2 He cast aside the words of others and focused on the Plan.
3 He left his children and his wife and meditated (as best he could from his backyard where he could still hear the singing of Barney and the screaming of children.)
4 Then like Moses before him, he went to record the words of God. While Moses climbed a mountain, Jon descended into the darkened depths of his basement. While Moses carved the words onto stone tablets, Jon used a dot matrix printer to record the words of wisdom.
5 As he sat with the Pharisees of Football, he kept the plan close to his heart. And, lo, though the image of Burkle sat on his shoulder and urged him to pick the gods of football, Jon wiped the red stain (of ketchup, not blood, as it turned out) from his Plan.
6 And though it was not in the cards for him to follow every step of the Plan, he did call out the name of God’s favored one: Jeff George.
7 And the Pharisees shook their heads in wonderment. Even Steve, Jon’s friend, stroked his beard in dismay and wondered what the Prophet had wrought.
8 Jon would not be deterred. As the clock ticked and he made his choice for the 15th time, he had sealed his fate.
9 And Steve quoted the word of the Lord to him regarding false prophets. Saith he, "If you finish 3-11 again, you like the false prophets before you will be tormented day and night forever and ever."
Rick Koepke's Las Vegas Odds to win the 1997 Fantasy Bowl:
NY Escapees 5-2
Fun In the Sun 3-1
kevorkian 7-1
Rampage 7-1
James Stewart F~C. 8-1
Sabres 10-1
Prophets 12-1
Larceny 17-1
Wedgies 29-1
PITA's 35-1
The Escapees should beat the Prophets due to the Prophets VERY unfavorable running back matchups and the fact that he doesn't have a 2nd receiver to go with Jett (but the Prophets will probably beat Rampage in the final week and thusly will have to beat out the James Stewart Fan Club in a tie-breaker for the final wild card spot in the NWO, as the Escapees win the division crown in a tie-breaker over the Rampage who have to settle for a wild-card spot. In the WCW, FunintheSun wins the crown, while the Sabres, Larceny and Kevorkian tie for the wild card spots, and the Sabres get one spot due to their good division record and Kevorkian gets the other due to more points scored than Larceny.
Team by Team synopsis:
Wedgies: Have fallen apart, have no legit QB, are hurting if Raymont Harris misses next 2 games. leaving her with only 1 RB and the receiving corps is in shambles now that they traded away their only legit WR. Nice run while it lasted Wedgies
Escapees: Team has bettered itself thru acquisitions and is the team to beat. Solid OB combo, good back combo if Eddie George isn't out too long, kind of thin at WR especially if Brooks misses some games, best TE and good Defense. Strictly one to beat
Sabres: Have been living a lie all year - adequate QB, very iffy RB's, although Brown may be coming on at the right time, horrific WR crew although he smartly picked up Thigpen, no TE and so-so kickers. Will bow out in wild-card round.
Prophets: Too little too late? Good QB, very nice RB's (although Martin and Allen haven't done as expected, but certainly capable of huge weeks), poor WR's and no TE. Could put up a fight for a few quarters if he makes the final wild-card spot, but…..
PITA's: Have gotten very little from QB spot, has decent RB crew with the emergence of Jabbar, nothing from WR's, especially hurting without production from Jake Reed and Glenn banged up, good TE and good D. A victim of having a lot of points scored against them. Switch their points against with the Sabres or Rampage and you've got a whole different playoff picture my friends.
James Stewart F~C.: Hottest QB, only one RB, only I WR (and Pickens is maybe 3/4 of one this year), under-producing TE, great kicker, and so-so D. Will battle Prophets for final spot in NWO.
Larceny: not much from QB, only 1 RB as long as Smith is out, good WR combo with Alexander and Carter (best combo in league), no TE, good kicker and D. Division record will prove costly.
FunintheSun: Has been doing it with mirrors - good OB's, I GREAT RB and always seemed to play the right second RB every week, average wide-outs but may have suddenly become an asset with Galloway healthy and Moon looking for him all the time, no TE's, so-so kickers, and opportunistic defenses (have gotten plenty of D TD's). Can you say Vinnie, Terrell, Joey and pray for any other points?
Rampage: Living a fabled year similar to Sabres - better be in first giving up so few points (but watch that total skyrocket as last 2 games are against Prophets and FunintheSun. Good QB, adequate RB's at best with Murrell not answering the bell and Levens sub-par, WR's been a problem all year and even with Bruce healthy, who is #2 guy? TE hasn't been hear of since Depression era - this team is an accident waiting to happen and the wild-card may be that accident.
Kevorkian: Good QB, good RB's, nice WR's, adequate TE's and good D spell a team which is not bottom of the barrel but also not elite. Certainly capable of pulling off a surprise if they should get final wild-card spot - with Emmitt playing Oilers that week, and throw in Bledsoe, Morris, Freeman, and Rison along with Pats D - definitely could throw a monkey-wrench into someone's plans.
These final 2 weeks are going to be gut-wrenching for quite a few franchises and hopefully that will drain all of the energy from those clubs so that FunintheSun can win a playoff game after the bye. Good Luck to all these last 2 weeks.
- Coach K
Editors Note (Steve Matson 1999): Rampage, with a "sub-par" Dorsey Levens as described by Coach K, went on to beat the Coach himself in the 1997 Fantasy Bowl, although it took an injury to true stud RB T. Davis in the second half of his Monday night game to do it! Such is life in fantasy football!