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Prophet's Choice Awards 1996-2004: To see Matson's "Rampager" Awards, click here: RAMPAGER
2004 Prophet’s Choice Awards Well, 2004 might have been the year that marked the end of the "Q" in the QFFL and the beginning of The Prophet’s adventures in the land of Post-It’s and Scotch Tape. But despite all the changes, one thing remained absolutely the same – We still ain’t got this thing figured out! As we head towards our 10th year anniversary it is time to stop and take stock of the "Year That Was…QFFL 2004": 2004 Tomb of the Unknown Draft Choice Award: Once again, we have a draft pick that did not play a down in the 2004 season. Unlike all the talentless crappy past TOTUDCA winners, this fella actually had some football talent, but much to Xena’s 14th round chagrine, his talent for scoring ganja (not to mention sitting in that goofy tent in the jungle) took precedence over scoring TDs this year. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ricky Williams is our TOTUDCA winner for 2004! The "Sposed-ta" Award: This is a new award that has it’s origins in the bizarre world of Fantasy Golf, where a certain unnamed individual (Cory Lagergren) picked a golfer named Mike Sposa to actually win a PGA tournament. Unfortunately, he wasn’t even "Sposed-ta" play that tournament or any others that mattered last year. So this award goes to the player who was "Sposed-ta" be good…but never showed up. This year’s winner is Reggie Williams who was drafted by Hootie. In a year that was considered deep in rookie wideouts and with this fella being supposedly one of the "elite" members of the class, Reggie was a complete non-entity and Hootie dumped his "arss" before Week 3. Herbert "Whisper" Goodman Award: As we all know, this is the award that goes to the player and owner who thinks they have a "sneaky" pickup based on some unfounded rumor they’ve heard, only to find out the true meaning of "unfounded". The 2004 winner of the Whisper Goodman award is – Justin Griffith, who was picked by Mr. Monday Night for reasons that completely escape me. I think he was the Falcons fullback(?) and maybe it was announced that one of the real Falcons RB’s was hurt that week(?) (and MMN musta been listenin’?) Anyway, let the record show that the week Justin Griffith was picked up he had 1 carry for 3 yards (and that was one of his GOOD weeks!) Aska Award: This is the award that goes to the owner who gets all excited and bases a questionable pickup on one good performance, even though the player has done nothing to indicate he’ll ever be able to repeat that performance. This year’s winner of the Aska award is Reshard Lee, who was picked up by The Rook, after he had like one good series against the Purple in Week 1 when The Purple blew out the Cowboys. The Rook stuck with Reshard for a few weeks after that, and I think he even started him once or twice, but Reshard ended up on the special teams, instead of being a special player for the Rook. Tim Brown Play of the Year Award: This award is named after Tim Brown, who dropped a sure-thing TD pass against The Purple in 2003 which cost Gunner a division title and The Prophet a playoff spot. This year’s play didn’t have that much impact but it was close. Yes, the New England kicker threw a TD pass, instead of kicking a sure-thing FG, that allowed Xena to beat The Prophet (avoiding a tie, which in retrospect would have made things a lot more interesting the last couple weeks of the regular season). Here is Sportsline’s recap (edited by The Prophet) for posterity:
Unexplained Hatred Award: This is a new award that goes to the owner who for reasons known only to the Fantasy Gods, ab-so-lute-ly refuses to pick up a player who is an obvious "good fit" on their team. This year’s award goes to Hootie, who went with useless laughable clowns Ben Troupe and Patrick Hape (huh?!) at TE week after week when "obvious Manning hookup" Dallas Clark was sitting out on the waiver wire until like Week 8, when Larson finally stopped the madness. Did this guy stuff ya in a locker back in high school or something, Hoots?! Just don’t get it… Tale of Two Seasons Award: Man, not even Victor Hugo coulda done justice to the story of the implosion that occurred in Rampage-ville after Week 6 this year. 8 … straight … losses … to close out the worst season in Rampage history. It was downright disorienting to have a Rampage squad getting it’s "arss" kicked after all those seasons of (regular season at least) domination. (Almost as disorienting as The SSSSnake being over .500 all year!) Tim Dwight Yo Yo Award: Lotsa tar babies this year (Rampage-Ty Calico, Prophet-Kelly Campbell), but this year’s winner is the Redskins D. The Nine had ‘em, the ‘knives had ‘em and finally FITS nabbed ‘em for Week 17, which unfortunately was not meant to be for the Old Ballcoach…) Best on Paper Award: The Nefarious Nine won this award on draft night as he clearly had the best draft and his strong finish (and 2004 Toilet Bowl Title!) led by MushMouth showed that there was plenty of talent here, but his season got off to a wretched start with his KC TE/QB combo and Dillon/D-Jax struggling early and he never recovered. Best Trade: The Tomlinson for McGahee trade between Larson and Sabres (with some other non-entity’s involved) was probably the biggest blockbuster. Prophet’s trade of Martin for Mason/McCardell lit up the blockbuster-o-meter too… Worst Trade: Witten (Nine) for Wheatley (Rampage). If you ever want to puke, grab the nearest barf bucket and think about THIS one! 2 teams going nowhere dealing 2 guys going nowhere. Ugh… Best Pickup: Ruben Droughns by Larson, who then traded him for Horn. Good pickup and good subsequent move. Worst Pickup: Jeff Blake by The SSSSnake. When it looked like McNabb would be resting the last couple weeks, The SSSSlithery SSSSerpent rushed out and nabbed Jeff Blake, then too his utter horror discovered that Koy Detmer was actually McNabb’s backup so Blake was dumped and Chad "Dude, where’s my shoulder" Pennington was picked up. Pointlessness Gone Wild! Best Draft Choice: Hootie getting high scoring Manning/Harrison combo at the swing, gets this one easily. FITS gets some credit for TO at 24, as does Prophet for C-Pep at #11. Worst Draft Choice: Kevan Barlow. Prophet went to the draft convinced he was gonna be my Number One pick, but Carl (to whom I am very grateful) "stole" him from me. This guy defined "bust" in 2004. Coach of the Year: The Prophet had the best team during the regular season, but the horrific number of bench points and lousy efficiency rating made me the "Mike Martz of the QFFL" this year (i.e., coach who does the least with the most, or is that Mike Tice?!). I almost gave this to Larson, for somehow knowing to sit Billy Volek and play Josh Mc-clown in Week 16, but his team still had a bunch of talent, so not much "coaching" needed there. But I think this needs to go to Xena who seemed to start the right guys most weeks, recovered nicely from the Stephen Davis debacle, finally realized (with no time to spare) that Harrington and McNair were useless (and picked up and started Drew Bledsoe at the exact moment he became semi-productive with my latest nemesis Lee Evans by his side) and truly put it all together as she rose up to destroy The Prophet in critical Week 16. GM of The Year: This is a no-brainer this year. Definitely goes to Larson. He had a pretty good draft. Made key pickup of Ruben Droughns, traded him for Joe Horn which really solidified his WR corps, then traded for Tomlinson who had just recovered from his nagging groin injury just in time to give him a completely solid core. Also picked up Dallas Clark who allowed him to survive Todd Heap’s season-long injury problems (and held on to Heap who eventually helped him the last couple of weeks). Finally, grabbed Billy Volek which allowed him to cover Bulger’s injury and beat dangerous Hootie squad in Week 15. Just lots of well-timed moves all season long, all of which (finally!) resulted in his first QFFL title on the third try. That’s all for 2004. The Prophet now looks forward to our 10th year in 2005 (pretty amazing when ya think about it!), a Twins 4-peat and The Dutchman finally getting voted into the Hall of Fame on Tuesday!
2003
Prophet’s Choice Awards:
Herbert “Whisper” Goodman Award: Named after Herbert “Whisper” Goodman who Carlson picked up his rookie year based on only a rumor that he was good. The 2003 Whisper goes to The Prophet for his Pre-Week One pickup of Derrius Thompson. I was CONVINCED this guy was gonna be a gritty complement to the flashy (and hated Prophet nemesis) Chris Chambers. Then to seal the deal, The Prophet saw him make a great TD catch in the Fins exhibition finale. Fantasy sites across the land were all over this guy and The Prophet took the bait. Well…I WAS WRONG! Not only did he not do crap all year, but I gave up a really good WR (Steve Smith) to make room for him. Stooopid! Travis Henry Rock Cartwright Stacy Mack Shawn Bryson Olandis Gary Amos Zereoue Justin
Fargas The
“Which One’s Shemp?” Award: These
awards would be remiss if they didn’t point out the
staggering achievement of the 4 Stooges who made up the
Famine Division. 2002 Prophet’s Choice Awards Well, time to put 2002 in the books. It was kind of a rollercoaster year with several teams starting out fast and not maintaining it, others getting off to crappy starts and coming on with too little too late and a few ham n’ eggers who actually made up three quarters of the final four. In the meantime, there was plenty of the usual zany, bizarre, "Why did I do that" and "What was I thinking" that mark every QFFL season. (Xena in particular had a year to remember.) Let’s roll the tape! Tomb of the Unknown Draft Choice Award:
The good news: Everyone drafted was a recognizable NFL
player (even Jonathon Wells). The bad news: Two fellas
were drafted that never played a down and in retrospect
were complete wasted picks. Yes, for the first time ever
we have co-winners of the TOTUDCA. JAMAL The Aska: As everyone knows, the Aska award goes to the player who is picked up on the basis of one good performance, is "snatched" up by some clever owner (usually the poor shmoe who is first on the pickup list the subsequent week) and then is never heard from again. This year we had some guys who almost qualified and then came on later to actually do something (cf. James Mungro). However, one fella never did equal his one game performance, much to his owner’s consternation. This year’s Aska winner is Deion Branch picked up by The Vulcans, who was rocking until Hootie picked him up and never saw the light of day again! The Herbert "Whisper" Goodman Award: This award is even more "special" than the Aska because it goes to the owner/player who is picked up on simply rumors that he might be good and never even has the one good game the Aska winner does. In a fitting bit of irony, this year’s winner is (again) a Packers’ running back – Rondell Mealy. Ahman Green had some early season injury woes and all the talk was that his replacement for the big upcoming game against the lousy Lions was going to be Rondell Mealy. About 10 guys put in for him, but it was the beleaguered Grapes who won the "prize". Unfortunately, the big day came and it was Najeh Davenport (sorry these are family awards, so you’ll have to insert your own Najeh Davenport joke here) who saw all the action. I’m not even sure Rondell is still a Packer. Grogan Boys Award: This is a new award that goes to the owner who paid the most for the worst fantasy football advice. This year a determined Xena actually paid good money to a coupla clowns named "The Grogan Boys" (cf. Grogansports.com) who coerced her into drafting Michael "1 TD" Pittman in the second(!) round. I still think my jaw is screwed up from hitting the floor after that one. It looked for a while like the joke was on us as Xena roared out to a 5-0 start. But soon her Grogan Boys-inspired roster fell into the doldrums and she wheezed into the playoffs (thanks to Rasta Ricky’s MNF destruction of Carlson) with a 7-7 record, where she was dispatched not a moment too soon by a vengeful Prophet. Howard Cosell "Mr. Monday Night" Award: This is another new award that almost could be immediately retired as The Disciple has far and away endured the most Monday Night heartache any poor soul could possible endure. This year he was twice beaten in huge divisional showdown games by The Prophet as the Disciple’s Denver connection (Griese, Sharpe, Elam) didn’t get it done on a Monday Night. The picture of Shannon Sharpe sitting on the ground waving for the trainer after Romo blew out his elbow in the first quarter of one of those must-win MNF games said it all. Prophet’s "Best on Paper" Award: Every year on draft night at the Sports Page the Prophet wipes the 3.2 foam from his mouth at the end of the draft, spends a few moments pondering the carnage and declares who he feels has the best team "on paper". The way it’s looking after the past 2 years, the "paper" is more like a roll of Charmin, as last year’s "winner" was The Nefarious Nine who ended up winning like 3 games and this year it’s Larsony, who also landed in the Toilet Round and never put up much of a fight. Bet ya’ll can’t wait to see who gets this in August 2003, eh?! (Not me, Prophet! Not me! My team sucks!) Neutron Bomb Award: This goes to the owner who has the most ridiculous run of bad injury luck. Xena set a new standard this year when in one week all 4 of her running backs went from healthy to being listed as Doubtful or worse. She "fought" back however by picking up the dynamic duo of Ladell Betts & James Mungro. Shockingly, those 2 fellas did not lead her to the promised land… Best Trade Award: Is there any doubt that The Prophet getting studs Marvin Harrison and Clinton Portis for an injured Marshall Faulk and underproductive Rod Smith was the best trade since Burkle ripped off Banks in Year One?! Runner up was Prophet’s trade to get Faulk in the first place for Price and George… Worst Trade: The big pile of crap trade between Xena and Gunner (it was all a blur) didn’t do much for me. I guess it was redeemed somewhat by Shaun Alexander’s decent finish. Prophet’s trade of Antonio Freeman for Jamel White probably was the most meaningless. Les Josephson "I must own all Rams RBs" Award: Sabres again (amazingly) decided to try cornering the market on a team’s backfield. And again (not so amazingly) the strategy failed as one by one the Rams RB’s (just like the Bills stiffs the year before) were either dropped or traded. Bye Trung, Bye Lamar, Bye Marshall. Will he do it again in 2003??? (Yes! Yes!) Coach of the Year Award: This is always a tough one. It really doesn’t belong to the 3-time QFFL champion, The Prophet, because luck was my 10th man this year for sure. Gunner doesn’t get it, despite record and points, because he coulda drew his starting lineup out of a hat most weeks. I think it comes down to FITS and Rampage and I’ll give it to FITS. Both teams had their share of turmoil and bad draft luck, but made consistently good coaching decisions throughout the season and made it at least to the semi’s. I guess I will give this to FITS, just because he slayed the evil Gunner and made it to the finals with the oddest fantasy bowl lineup once could have imagined. (Matson has got to get this December thing figured out!) Owner of the Year: Seems easy to me! The Prophet started out 2-4, then 3-5, spent a ton of money, never panicked (yeah, right!) and somehow wheeled and dealed his way to his 3rd QFFL title with a lineup featuring only 3 draft guys (Peyton, Jamal and rookie Stallworth). Gutsy drafting of Jamal Lewis and Donte Stallworth, determination to squeeze as much as possible out of bad Ravens offense, nifty pickups of Titans D and Travis Taylor just when they started rolling and the aforementioned Faulk/Portis/Harrison trading all played a part in the relentless march to championship glory for The Prophet. Runner up is Gunner. The dude gave it all he had, but Rasta let him down in Week 16… And that’s that. 2003 awaits! (Hopefully with Clinton Portis once again in a Prophet’s uniform and The Twins as repeat AL Central champs!) 2001 Prophet’s Choice Awards (dedicated to JAMAL! We coulda been a contendah, Number 32!) Tomb of the Unknown Draft Choice Award: Well, at least we’re not drafting crappy guys who aren’t even on teams, or who never play, or no one’s ever heard of. This year’s TOTUDCA winner IS crappy and ALMOST never played, so that will have to do. The 2001 TOTUDCA winner is Terrell Fletcher of the Chargers (I think he was a Charger, anyway!) A desperate, receiver-laden Hootie drafted Fletcher way too early on draft night, and 17 games later we’re all still wondering why. People, quit drafting bogus backup Chargers RBs!!! (remember Robert Chancey, last year’s winner?!) The Aska: The Aska goes to a player who is picked up on the basis of one good performance, and then is subsequently never heard from again (like when the Rampage picked up Joe Aska in ’96). This year’s winner is Martay Jenkins of the Cardinals and Nefarious Nine. MarTay had a huge game against the Eagles early on, and the Nine wasted no time in "making their move". However, his last gasp "stumblin’ in’" TD catch against the Eagles (which padded his stats considerably) was a bizarre one-in-a-million play, and MarTay soon reverted to (really crappy) form. TRULY Nefarious! Herbert "Whisper" Goodman Award: The Herbert "Whisper" Goodman award goes annually to the player who is picked up on the basis of nothing more than rumors (or whispers) that he might actually amount to something. This year it wasn’t a whisper, but a "ghost" as in "(Kevin) Kasper the Ghost". The Nefarious Nine, reeling from Easy Ed McCaffrey’s season ending injury in Week 1, figgered they’d stumbled upon greatness in the form of the former star receiver from Io-way. Tension built as various fantasy sites "whispered" that Kasper was "doomed to greatness" (as Yogi Berra would say), once it became all too clear that Eddie Kennison still sucked. Sadly, for the Nine, "The Ghost" immediately suffered a nasty high ankle sprain and was a non-entity for the duration. Splendid Splinter Award: This is a new award that goes to the coach who "manages" to leave the most points on the bench. Is there any question, it was The Prophet in 2001?! Week after week after week, I’d start Moulds and Chambers would score, or I’d start Alexander and Stokes would score, or Brady would have a good day and Garcia would do nothing, blah blah blah. Fittingly, I sat both Garcia and Stokes (not to mention Ki-Jana Carter and his 2 TDs) in the semi-finals as they all rocked, while my vaunted starters did nothing. Sometime it’s GOOD to have the likes of MarTay Jenkins on your roster, it’s less painful that way. The curse of "Too Much Talent"… The "OJ Simpson Memorial Plastic Football Full of Suds" Award: This is another new award that goes to the franchise with the most bizarre draft strategy. Not much doubt that it belongs to the Sabres for drafting "Not One, Not Two, But Three" Buffalo Bills RB’s (OJ was the only one they DIDN’T draft!) By mid-season all had been cut, or traded, and the cruel irony of it all was that undrafted Larry Centers was the most productive Buffalo RB of all! Close runner-up is Hootie, who went to the "Air Hootie" well again, and…well, anyone remember the Hindenburg?! Hootie and his mentor, Don Coryell, sadly remain without a title… "Lindbergh Baby" Award: This award goes to the owner who drafts a player who is already out for the season on draft night (in the sprit of Jay Novacek back in ’96 by the Sabres). This year’s award goes to Carl Pohlad, for Drafting Sylvester "The Cat" Morris, even though he had blown his ACL the first week of camp. To add a bizarre twist, The Cat (now absent one of his 9 lives) was finally dropped by the miserly banker for Jim Kleinsasser, exacerbating the pointlessness even more! Most Pointless Pickup Award: This year’s winner is the Nefarious Nine for nabbing The King, Elvis Joseph on his bye week, and then letting him "leave the building" the following week before the Jags played again. "Suspicious Minds" are still wondering what the thinking was there! (Irv Smith come back, all is forgiven!) Tim Dwight Yo-Yo Award: This year’s winner is Donald Hayes of The Panthers. Larsony drafted The Donald, then dropped him in Week 2, then got him back in Week 7,and then dropped him in Week 10. The bizarre thing was that during all this waiver wire wildness, The Donald basically did crap, leaving us all to wonder what the fuss was all about! Best Trade: Prophet gave up what turned out to be a really good backfield (Dillon / Alexander) for the Niners (Garcia /Owens) combo. Saved Pohlad’s season, and kept The Prophet afloat long enough to win a division title and carry Pohlad to the Fantasy Bowl. Worst Trade: Hootie "stealing" Joe Jurevicius from The Prophet for fantasy stud Shaun Alexander. Nuf said! Bizarre pile of crap for Torry Holt trade between Xena and Rampage a close second. We need more trades next year, people! (But not like these ones!) Best Draft Choice of the Year: Jamal Worst Draft Choice of the Year: tough call with all the first round busts this year (Yo Lamar!), but I guess it has to go to Eddie George drafted by The Nefarious Nine. Eddie pretty much single-handedly drove what turned out to be a semi-decent team to the depths of the Toilet Bowl. The Prophet is convinced, however, that Steady Eddie will return to greatness next year. Best Pickup: Marcus Pollard by the Grapes. Seemed like an afterthought at the time, but more often than not Pollard delivered lotsa TE points which for those of us who wouldn’t know a TE TD if it bit us in the ass (thanks for nothing, Alge Crumpler!) is very impressive. Coach of the Year: This is a brutal call this year. Looking at the division winners, Grapes isn’t worthy because a trained seal could be taught to remember to start Faulk every week (here’s a fish, Sparky!) , Pohlad doesn’t get it because he had more than enough talent, Prophet doesn’t get it because of the bench point misery, so I guess we’ll give it to The Rampage by default. Not a great draft, but seemed to start the right guys most weeks, survived a season-ending (basically) injury to Rickey Watters (took it’s toll, trust me) and ended up with the most points and a playoff berth. If his Raiders and Aints hadn’t imploded at just the wrong time, this team could have won it all. Owner of the year: Carl Pohlad. Who else?! Sitting at 0-3 and on life support, he got out his wallet (not to mention his crowbar, WD-40, moth repellent and the Jaws of Life!) and started wheelin’ and dealin’ like a muthah! Ripped off The Prophet, Xena and Sabres in trades and roared to a division title and Fantasy Bowl appearance. Prophet comes in second for not letting the gut-wrenching injury to Jamal get him down and stumbling to a division title. Only had 3 draft guys left on my roster when the end finally came! That’s all folks! It’s been a great year (in the midst of the WTC tragedy) with an extremely high level of competitiveness and the usual shenanigans. Can’t wait ‘til we get to do "it" all over again! (Can I NOT get the freakin’ 10 card in the 3rd round for a change!) Nothing left to say but…Win Twins! 2000 Prophet’s Choice Awards "Thank God it’s over!" is all the beaten and battered Prophet can say after the only dynasty the QFFL has ever known was unceremoniously dismantled in Y2K (at least (thankfully) I took care of the Grapes before the dismantling commenced!) However, my fellow members of the glorious QFFL once again made it all worthwhile with the usual assortment of gridiron goofiness and pigskin perspicacity. So without further ado, The Prophet proudly announces his 5th annual Prophet’s Choice Awards: Tomb of the Unknown Draft Choice award: This award goes to the draft pick that asks questions such as "Is he a player?", "What team is he on?", "What’s his position?", "Is he even going to play this year?" People, these are all bad signs! Past winners have been Calvin Williams, Brett Perriman, Fred Baxter and Barry Sanders. This year’s award goes to Robert Chancey of the Disciples. When the Disciple "took a chance on Chancey", draft tracker Bill Flatley called out "WHAT is he?" "What" he was, was one of about 5 crappy Chargers RB’s (Fazande, Fletcher, what, no Kenny Bynum?!) who kept getting picked up but nobody ever could start one of ‘em because nobody could ever figure out when they might score. Chancey was dropped a few weeks into the season and in true TOTUDCA fashion was never heard from again. The Aska: This award goes to the player who is picked up on the basis of one good game and is never heard from again. No question this year’s award goes to The Prophet for selecting Brian Mitchell of the Eagles. A demoralized Prophet (who was getting nothing from Jamal Lewis and "6 a week" from James Stewart) was desperate for RB help and Brian Mitchell had gone off on the horrible Falcons on a Sunday night. I fought off about 5 other league members to get him and watched as he had a whopping 3 carries for 8 yards in the next game, and never contributed a thing to the post-Duce Eagles running attack the rest of the year. What was I thinking?! Herbert "Whisper" Goodman Award:
This is a new award, foisted on the league by one of our
rookie non-entities in 2000. This goes to the player who
unlike the Aska, is picked up on the basis of nothing
more than a RUMOR (or "whispers" heh, heh) that
he might be good (no actual basis in fact) and ends up
doing…nothing. Rookie Carlson picked up Whisper to
cover an injured Dorsey Levens in September on the basis
of some radio report on some jerkwater The Mis-Aligned Planets Award: Dillard’s Department Store wasn’t the only thing Peter Warrick has ripped off in the recent past. Look what he did to The Prophet! Amazingly every week I started Peter Warrick (and there were several) I could never get a TD from Warrick. Naturally, he scored a TD damn near every week I DIDN’T start him. This trend even carried over into the post-season where PW scored each of the final 2 weeks of the season after The Prophet had been flushed. I mean you could set your watch by it! God, I hate that self-absorbed, overrated, slow, pass-droppin’ little jackass! (But I’m not bitter!) "He Didn’t?!" Award: This goes to the poor slob who sat some guy who had an out-of-the-world day and unfortunately his "perceptive" (over)coach had sat him. (James Stewart’s 5 TD benching by The Messiah in ’97 is the standard). No question this goes to the Lambchops for sitting NFL MVP Marshall Faulk on his huge night against TB while Robert Smith struggled mightily against the Pack. Worst Draft Choice: Had to be the "seein’ dead people" Grapes drafting an injured Fred Taylor in Round 1. FT didn’t get it going until rookie Grapes was 0-8 and staring into the abyss of a possible winless season. In another "Sixth Sense" move in the very next round, she also grabbed Brett Favre (who was injured as well). Not even The GALLOPING Ghost could have helped her after THAT "spirited" one-two "punch"! Best Trade: Williams and a buncha crap for Watters and a buncha crap. Helped get their 2 pathetic squads into the playoffs and stirred things up a little. Worst Trade: This may be the most disgusting trade in league history: Prophet dealing the only 2 Rams who had no impact this year (Roland Williams and Robert Holcombe, hey think it’s easy to draft TWO no impact Rams?!) to SSSSSnake for 2 worthless injury-prone has been’s (Pete Mitchell and Natrone Means). "Coulda fed a Child In Guatemala for a Month With Those 2 Bucks" Useless Pickup Award: Prophet picks up Tim Couch in a "wily" move to cover Collins’ bye week (since the Browns played the Bungles that week). Was feeling pretty good about it until I was turning onto 55 the very same day (I’ll never forget this!) and The Fan announced that some rookie idiot had plowed into Couch on the last play of practice, breaking his thumb and knocking him out for the year. I literally thought about rolling down the window and tossing 2 dollar bills out the car window I was so disgusted! Runner up was LHB’s inexplicable acquisition of the Browns D for a week (Thank God it was only a week. Talk about ugly!) Golden Toe Award: Last year it was
The Prophet and his QB Qarousel. This year it was The
Prophet and Nefarious Nine and their Kicker Khaos. (I ask
you, how does a kicker ( Best Draft Pick: Daunte Culpepper by LHB. Why did I not see this coming??? He and Warner have singlehandedly given meaning to the usually meaningless (for fantasy purposes) QB position. Tim Dwight Human Coach of the Year: Not a lot of Amos Alonzo Staggs’ or Weeb Ewbanks’ in the league this year. Seemed like the teams with the talent won and the teams that sucked (Hi Prophet!) sucked. I guess I’ll go with the Dungster. I couldn’t believe it when he started sitting Wheatley for A-men Green (and it worked!), he did a good job at QB and with that laughable 3 Mc’s receiving corps (McKnight, McCaffery and McCardell). Best record in the league seals the deal. Owner of the Year: Butterknife Boy hands down. Took all kinds of crap (not from me!) about the Eddie George first pick and it worked to perfection. Picked up Brunell who took over nicely for a faltering Beuerlein and made the pickup of the year in Warrick Dunn. Yeah, he won the title with that dopey 6-6-2 record, but played the game like a pro this year! Disciple a close second. I thought that team was awful on draft night and they started out that way, but by the end of the year they were the most feared team in the land. 2001 Resolutions: Draft back at The Sports Page, less trade talk and more trades, no more dumbass first round picks by your’s truly and Olindo Mare, Antonio Freeman and Jamal Anderson on my roster! 1999 Prophet's Choice Awards Well, hard to believe another QFFL season has 1999 come and gone! It seems like just yesterday we were making fun of Brett Perriman and the first round selection of Kordell Stewart. Fortunately, 1999 provided plenty of additional hilarity and bizarre performances by NFL players and QFFL owners. So without further ado, I proudly present the 1999 Prophet’s Choice Awards: Tomb of the Unknown Draft Choice Award: It took 4 years, but we finally did not have someone pick up or acquire a guy who we had to look up in a magazine to confirm who they played for (Fred Baxter), or whether or not they even were a real player (Calvin Williams), or someone we knew had like no chance of playing (Brett Perriman). This year’s winner however does uphold the fine tradition of never playing a down the entire season. Yes, the 1999 TOTUDCA goes to Barry Sanders selected by Xena who did not ever take a snap in ’99. The Aska: The "Aska" goes every year to someone who has one huge game, is picked up on that basis, and is never heard from again. It is named for Joe Aska who did exactly that in the ’96 season for Matson. The ’99 Aska goes to the one and only Demond Parker. Demond had a great 2 TD, 100 yard performance against the Bears when he filled in for Dorsey Levens. LHB then picked him up (just so no one else would get him) and he started him against Kevorkian in Week 14 when he needed a win to get in the playoffs. LHB even was at Lambeau on that fateful day. Demond promptly went out and had a 6 carries for zero yards game that basically plopped LHB into the Toilet Bowl round. The "He/She Didn’t Award?!": This award goes to the owner who failed to start someone who then went out and had a huge day. We had Shannon Sharpe in ’96 (3 TDs on the bench) and the grandpappy of ‘em all when the Messiah sat James Stewart on a 5 (I still can’t believe it!) TD day in ‘97. This year’s award goes to the notorious Heutanannies who decided to sit a red hot Steve Beuerlein against the Niners at home (because of the turmoil supposedly caused in ‘lina by the Rae Carruth incident). Beuerlein promptly went out and had a 22 point day which would have allowed Hootie to pound the Dungster. Instead, he started Flutie and it cost him a semi-final berth. Runner up goes to LHB for sitting Patrick Jeffers against the Pack (same game where he started Demond Parker, see above!). Jeffers had like a 20 point day which would have put LHB in the Fantasy Bowl round. Venus De Milo Award: This is a new award that goes to the owner with the most QB trouble. Hmmm, who should this one go to? Submitted for your approval: Vinny, Randall C., Jeff Garcia, Dave Brown, Kent Graham, Chris Miller, Kerry Collins, Tim Couch and Chris Chandler. No, that’s not a list of all the backup QB’s on QFFL rosters at the end of the season! Due to injuries and lousiness every one of these fellas started at QB in ’99 for The Prophet. Thankfully the glass slipper finally fit the last 3 games as the 3 C’s (Couch, Collins and Chandler) all played great just when I needed ‘em to! As the Ol’ Perfesser once said when he was skipper of the ’62 Mets, "Can’t ANYBODY here play this game?!" Best Trade: SSSSSnake pulled a fast one in ’99 getting Peyton Manning and Charlie Garner from Kevorkian for a pile of crap (Derek Loville, Timmy B., Derrick A., Krydell and Marcus Pollard). Hootie comes in second for his dumping Randall Cunningham on a vulnerable (post-Vinny) Prophet. If Terry Allen had had a better season, and Shannon Sharpe had stayed healthy this one wouldn’t have been close. Worst Trade: In true end of the year blahs fashion the Jaarbroni’s trade of complete stiff Adrian Murrell to the Lambchops for Tyrone Davis litup the red light on the ol’ yawn-o-meter. Murrell sucked and TD got one TD and then vanished off the face of the earth. Runner up was Prophet getting lousy Andrew Glover and Bert Emanuel from LHB for injury prone Cam Cleeland. Yuuuccckkk...!!! Owner of the Year: Even though I DID repeat as champion, I have to give this to the Butterknives. Cool draft day trade got him Fred Taylor, he then snagged Stephen Davis at 14(!!!) and drafted awesome Johnson/Westbrook combo when everyone else avoided Skins. Gonzalez, Gary and Chiefs D were nice mid-season improvements as well. Coach of the Year: First half of the year it was clearly Matson who was scoring a ton and always seemed to play the right guys. However, his whole team kind of imploded after the first Prophet’s game so can’t really give it to him. Dehnke’s lineup could have been handled by a circus elephant since his team was solid throughout, so that ain’t gonna work. Hootie never scored any points so despite winning his division he’s not a candidate. Guess that leaves THE PROPHET as COACH OF THE YEAR! Got as much as I could out of mostly rotten receivers, finally solved the QB dilemma, courageously refused to play Darnay Scott on grass and that paid off (second year in a row with no grass TDs for Alligator Arms), and won the Fantasy Bowl despite only 2 points from stud Edgerrin James. Pickup of the Year: Dungster got both James Stewart and Kurt Warner after Week 1 and it saved his whole damn season. Second place goes to The SSSSSnake who made his mark with the acquisition of Marcus Robinson First Indication it Was Gonna Be a Strange QFFL Year: Week 3 when SSSSSnake started Emmitt when he was on a bye, and Bergerson started Richie Cunningham who was on a bye. Playing "bye guys" became a disturbingly common trend once certain teams were history, but in WEEK 3???!!! I remember being out in the yard playing with the youngn’s when Matson called with that news. I almost dropped the phone in the grass! Silver Butterknife Award: There is no doubt whatsoever that the new Mr. Lucky for ’99 is Mr. Heutananny! Lowest PPR, 3rd lowest points scored and he was the first team to clinch his division! Hootie parlayed his midget QB, his grumpy old men RBs, his bizarre stable of receivers (everything from Moss to Fryar), useless TE Drayton, and a mediocre kicker and Defense into a 9-5 Crumpler Division winning juggernaut. Unfortunately the clock struck 12 when he sat Beuerlein in the wildcard game! Performance of the Year: Not anything on the positive side like the 100+ point game the ‘chops posted in ’98. But we definitely had a record-breaking performance right out of the chute when The Heutanannies scored a grand total of 9 frickin’ points in their season opener. 9 points! I had thought the Butterknives 10 point low back in ’98 would stand for all eternity and he throws a 9-spot in the first game of ’99! Simply amazing! 1998 Prophet's Choice Awards Well, it's that time again. Time to reflect back on the 4 months of madness that was the 1998 QFFL season. Time for the 1998 Prophet's Choice Awards. After this year we may have to rename them the "Harley's", as our pal the SSSSSSnake definitely made his mark in '98: I. Tomb of the Unknown Draft Choice Award: The award for the most "mysterious" draft choice goes to the SSSSnake for selecting Brett Perriman of....well...hmmmm... That's right! MR. Perriman never did turn up on any NFL roster this past season. A truly wasted selection in the fine tradition of the '96 winner Calvin Williams (Bergerson's memorable pick that had everyone scrambling to find out who he was, what position he was and what team he played for! Calvin was later activated for one game and then released by the Eagles that year. I'll never forget how the first rosters came out and CW's team was listed as"?") II. Most Useless Pickup of the Year (aka The Aska): This award was named after Joe Aska, who Matson picked up after a stellar one game performance in '96, and he was subsequently never heard from again, much to Matson's disgust. This year's winner is SSSSSSSnake's pickup/drop of Irv Smith. It wasn't so much that Big Irv was a bum (which he was). Lord knows there were plenty of bums picked up in '98 around the league, but SSSSSSnake picked him up on his bye week to cover Ben Coates (who did not play that week due to injury) and then SSSSSSnake turned around and dumped him before the Niners next game. Truly pointless! III. Boomerang Award: In a hard-to-top performance, Matson thrice threw away Arena Guy Orande Gadsden, only to re-acquire him. In a truly cruel twist of fate, Orande finally had the game Matson always knew he had in him while riding the Lambchop's pine bench in the Fantasy Bowl final. IV. Worst Trade: There were several to choose from, but the worst one had to be Matson acquiring eternally injured and non-productive Robert Brooks, from The Boyy for Mike Alstott who awoke from his season long slumber just in time to score 3 Week 17 TDs which Matson could have used (to put it mildly). Runner up was 10-Spots trade with Xena that involved about 10 disappointing guys who basically sucked all year. That one wasn't good or bad as much as it was just kinda depressing with a true Middle Ages "Bring out your dead!" feel to it! V. Golden Horseshoe Award: Sabre-boy's luck finally ran out this year as he once again finished with lowest points and a rotten PPR but for once DIDN'T make the playoffs. The new MR. LUCKY for 1998 goes to The Boyy. This oddball team made up of an oft injured QB, one RB, a bizarre stable of like six Tier 2 receivers and not much else, actually made a run at The Prophet and won a playoff game. VI. Worst Draft Choice: Has to go to The Sabres for taking Kordell with the 6th overall pick. Take it from one who knows, when you draft a QB first and he stinks (or gets suspended) you ain't goin' nowhere! VII. Best Pickup: With 12 teams and 15 rounds, there wasn't a whole lot left to scrounge around for. Have to give it to Xena for picking up Pack TE Tyrone Davis (who Matson dumped) just in time to tie Matson that week with a sparkling 2 (or was it 3, Steve?) TD performance. He was basically a stiff the rest of the year but her timing was impeccable! VIII.Coach of the Year: Have to give this one to Dr. L. He took a team that had a severe receiver shortage (and the ones he had were Steelers and Bears for the most part which ain't pretty), and a pretty bad year from his #1 pick The Bus, yet was able to finish with the 3rd most points. Made a great deal to dump Bus and Charles Johnson for Hearst and Glenn , which allowed him to make a late run and take the WCW title. IX.GM of The Year: Why ME of course. Suffered a rash of brutal injuries early on, but kept 'er afloat. Traded superstud and gutsy 5th round pick Moss, but ended up with TD studs Carter and McCaffrey (essentially) in return. Trading Fred Taylor was kinda stupid, but key draft choice Jamal covered up that sin. Drafted injury prone Robert Smith and Chris Chandler and held on tight (and got enough out of them to finish with best record in league). Took a receiver (Freeman) in the first round defying all conventional wisdom (not to mention the clever draft pick swapping that allowed me to get Freeman AND Robert Smith), 8 game winning streak, second most points, 2 wins over highest scoring team in league history (Lambchops), best record in league, Fantasy Bowl title and on and on... It all adds up to one thing, baby!: 1998 was the Year of The Prophet! Runners up were Matson (record setting year with all those points, but you could probably train a monkey to win 7 games with Terrell), and Dr. L (for the aforementioned Hearst trade). X. Performance of The Year: Of course the 10th award has to go to the 10-Spots who scored the astoundingly low total of 10 points one week. A new league record! Runner up was Matson scoring 103 points in Week 2 (Another league record!) I don't think we'll ever see 10- or 100+ again in our lifetimes. And there ya have it! 1997 Prophet's Choice Awards: Well now that the 97 season has finished with a thud (or
whatever the sound of Terrell Davis' separated shoulder
made while it was separating) it is time for the 1997
Prophet's Choice Awards: 1996 Prophet's Choice Awards: After at least 5 minutes of thought here they are: 1. Tomb of the Unknown Draft Choice Award: Lucky G's for drafting someone named "Calvin Williams". When the commish listed the rosters he did not even know which team Calvin (with a "C") played for. Word has it he was an Eagle, but there were never any confirmed sightings. 2. GM of The Year: Mr. Gloom. Pulled the trigger on the only major trade and it got him a title. 3. Worst Draft Choice. Jeff George in the first round, by the Prophets. 4. Coach of The Year: T Reeks. Waited patiently while Rhett and Irvin sat (and Favre lost most of his weapons) , and ended up going to The Dance. 5. Most Useless Acquisition: (Tie; Tyrone Brown (Prophets), Joe Aska (Lambchumps) 6. Wisest Acquisition: Vinnie T. by Mine Either 7. Comeback of The Year: Lambchumps. Overcame 0-3 start to claim wildcard spot. I think all the bizarre acquisitions woke up his draft guys who carried him to victory (as they usually do.) 8. Downfall of the Year: Boy Toys. After being in contention much of the season, MS. Krejcha fizzled at the end to a 6-8 record and a first round TB defeat. 9. Most painful coaching decision: PITA's sit Shannon Sharpe the week he scored 3 TDs and had tons of yardage. As Matson (her opponent) put it, "She Didn't?!" 10. Golden Horseshoe Award: Who else, but Mr. Lucky, Jim Dehnke. Drafts 2 guys who didn't play a down, yet compiles a 12-2 record since nobody scored any points against him. In the end his mediocre PPR did him in. New name next year: The Chiefs!!! |
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